When I Thought That I was Dead

Back in August, 2003, it was the beginning of my illness. I didn’t see a doctor yet. Very different feelings as if I cracked the password of the universe. I was in university. Didn’t sleep well for many nights. Was carrying a diary all the times in which I was taking notes on mix topics: fiction, poetry or physics. I did many weird things. Once, I slept in the middle of a road I thought I was a snake. Or dancing in public or drawing equations on the ground.

When my situation worsened, my friends called my brother and I was transported to home.

The same home which I left a month ago looked to me as it was a movie and everyone there was an actor. I didn’t sleep that night. Next day in the afternoon I am in my room, listening music loudly and dancing. I see fast moving lines. The lines that come very close to each other but do not touch, as I’ve shown Here.

In thought a dialogue with God begins.

God says, “You wanted to know your reality. Here it is. Now you know your reality. Do you see those fast moving but nonoverlapping lines? They are realities of people. No two people have the same reality. You are not special. I tell  everyone about their reality just before they die. But they have no time to tell other. Your time is up too. Are you ready?”

I go to Hujra (men’s guesthouse). My friend Khyal is waiting for me. My brother called him to give me a company. But I’m silent and very depressed as I know I gonna die in half an hour.

I leave Khyal and go to the front yard in our house. I sit on the ground. Very sad. The trees are motionless. The leaves are static like they are made of aluminum. I know God gives me extra time to live. But there is no joy in it.

Then I say to myself, yes I’m ready. I lie  on ground on my tummy. I extend my legs and arms outward. I’m relaxing. Breathing quietly. Thorns also inject in my body. But I enjoy it.

I feel that my soul is leaving my body through my legs. It is leaving my body very smoothly. Little later I’m sure that I’m Dead. I feel that ants are crawling on my body, it’s giving me massage. But how can feel if I’m dead. I think to myself that this maybe life after death. I feel it but cannot react back.

“Shahid, Shahid, where are you?” Hafiz, my nephew, is shouting. He is accompanied by my sister-in-law. They find me in the barren garden.

Hafiz is calling my name again to stand up on my feet but I do not respond. I’m sure that dead people can hear but they can’t talk. Dead people know their existence but they can’t prove it.

Hafiz lifts my arm and release it, it falls. Now I know that Hafiz knows that I’m dead. When finally he gets no response from me, he lifts me up and puts me on his shoulder. My arms are dangling down. My sister-in-law is holding my arms. I sense everything. But what can I do. I’m dead I can’t help it to walk by-myself.

Hafiz takes me to my room. I’m still on his shoulder. I realize that he is tired. He needs some rest. I ask him I can walk. Wow, a walking dead. Tomorrow it will be in news that a dead boy was walking. But unfortunately I would not be there to see this news because I would be buried.

In my room, I lie in my bed straight on my back, arms folded and put on my chest. I sense that I’m breathing but I’m sure that it is my soul pulsating. My eyes are closed, and feeling that I’m a bodiless soul.

Little later my other brothers and sisters also rushed in. They sit around my bed. I know that they know that I’m dead. It is quiet here. My eldest brother is reciting Quran, I’m sure. Quran is recited in the deceased room.

I’m then left alone in the room. I hear people sobbing in the loan. They are grieving my death.

The sobbing fades away. Perfect darkness and silence in my room.

Time passes. I feel that it is next day. They are arranging my funeral. I’m put in a casket and taken to the graveyard. I do not hear people but I know  they are in thousands.

After funeral prayer, people see my face. Then  they take me to the tomb and bury me. They leave me. I’m alone in the tomb. It is very dark and quiet there. But I’m not afraid of it.

My indefinite life begins. But what will I do here? In the other life I liked brevity and wrote short stories. But now I need long stories to entertain myself. I expand my stories so long that one story takes ten thousand years to reach to the end. And when that story is finished, I start another story that takes another ten thousand years.

Later that night I really wake up in my bed. For a little while I forget about everything, but then I remember that I was dead. I’m confused. My other nephew, Nazir, is sleeping in the other bed. I go to the restroom in my room. But thinking, am I dead?

Maybe, I have made a smooth transition to another world where the same people live. In the previous world they say goodbye to me and here the same people welcome me.

[Certain names are changed.]