A Man of 50 PhDs

I was a man with 50 PhDs, yet I still hadn’t answered the simplest question of all: does God exist? My first PhD was in mathematics and the last one in philosophy. One PhD from each state of the U.S. Each PhD took five years to complete. The goal was to understand all knowledge. I was never interested in a postdoc but wanted to stay on the PhD circle. I completed my first PhD in 2007 from Maine and the last one from Alaska.

The 1989 World War killed billions of people. The survivors were called immortal. The world spoke binary languages. Believers were represented by G. Nonbelievers by N, while agonistics by NG. There existed a spectrum of believers. A person who was 100% sure about the existence of God was labeled by an infinite string GGG… and a two-third sure person was represented by NGG. A white person was represented by W, a very white by WW, black by B, and brown by BW. Other colors can also be obtained such as BBWWW. The male was represented by M, female by F. Other genders also existed such MF, MMMM, MFFF, FFF.

In my last PhD, I was a graduate student and I was teaching a course based on my book entitled, “Does God Exist?” It was the last day of classes. I told the students that today we would play a game. They had to think of something and I answered it by reading their minds. The students were named according to their seating arrangements. There were three columns A, B, and C, and thirty rows. Names were hyphenated. Before an agonistic brown student in the third column and second row, whose name became NG—BW—F—C22, opened her lips for a question, I turned around towards the whiteboard and thought to myself that now the students were not seeing my face but my big head, sticking dark brown hair outward of it. Suddenly I put my hands on my hips as my arms were otherwise hanging vertically down which meant to me as if they were not parts of my body. I squinted as I looked at the whiteboard. Not because it was very white but because I saw the heaven behind it. I suddenly turned around. The very idea of heaven scared me. Most people thought that I was an atheist but deep down I didn’t even know what I was.

“The exam would be open book,” I answered the NG—BW—F—C22’s question. Now I was facing the students.

“No, God does not exist.” Before G—B—M—B6 to tease me, I responded. “Please, don’t scare me. Ask easy questions.” I requested. “Do you think the exam is open book? No books, no cheat sheets, no writing.” As I explained the rules of the test, a student in the first column and tenth row moved to the third column and third row. The student’s name was updated to W—NGG—MF—C23. This student was previously known as W—NGG—MF—C23.

“Of course, there would be ten questions in the exam.” I reacted before W—NGG—MF—C23 cleared their throat. “Yes, it will be from my book, ‘Does God Exist?” BBW—N—F—A9 made an eye contact. “NOOOO.” I shouted when W—NNNG—MMMF—B18 prepared to smile. “No, He does not exist. Why are you teasing me?” I cried. But now I was out of control. I sat on my knees facing the north. The seating arrangement was east-west-wise. “Told you. No smiling no blinking of
eyes. I can read your minds. I am …”. “… Him.” Everyone said to themselves.
“No, I’m not.” Banging my head on the northern wall. “Her. Beyond me is Her. But She is dead.”
“What do you think of me?” I asked.
“Dead.” Everyone said to themselves.
“Yes. This was the first question on the test. Everyone got it right.”
I stood up on my feet, facing students and bleeding. Blood was dripping from my forehead.
“Arrest me.” Raising my hands. I turned around, facing the door by the northern wall. Three police officers entered the classroom. BWW—G—M advanced and prepared to say, Dr. Martinez. I said I was not. W—NN—MMF motioned and was about to say, Dr. Brian John Martinez Senior. WW—GGGG—FFF stepped forward and said to herself, “Dr. Dr. Brian John Martinez Senior,” overriding everyone.
The officers transformed me from BW—203 to BW—LD meaning a brown man was transported from room 203 to a light-duty vehicle. BW—LD—S transformed into BW—HD—H. It meant that the man in the ambulance was transported from school to hospital. The hospital was in the middle of Lake Knowledge which was frozen those days. The hospital was infinitely tall, spiraling around the earth. In those days all skyscrapers were like that. The Earth looked more beautiful than Saturn. Since, belief- and color-wise, no two people had exactly the same characteristics, they were located on separate floors and each floor had only room for each patient. I was on the 80th floor. The next morning, a folded note was thrown in my room. I did not open the letter, but I knew it stated 111—RH. It meant that this patient believed that he was God, Dead, and Immortal and that
he proved Riemann’s hypothesis. Since the Riemann zeta function had infinitely many nontrivial zeros lying on the critical line, I had to stay in that strip hospital indefinitely, Now I understood I was indeed 111—RH. This was the hospital where gods were treated. Since the zeta function had infinitely many zeros, the number of gods was also infinite. The strongest god was on the first floor controlling everything. I also made a connection between the zeros with prime numbers.
Since prime numbers were indivisible, so were gods. They had no parallel.
In the afternoon, another folded note was thrown. I did not open it, but I knew it stated that my father was on the first floor. Now I understood I had an infinite number of siblings. They all were in the hospital. I also understood we were operators assisting the world.